Seven Marriage Spice Ups
Ask the Marriage Maven: Seven Marriage Spice Ups
Q. My marriage is getting pretty dull. My husband and I are going through a low point where everything seems to be pretty boring. What are some things that we can do to spice up our marriage?
A. First of all know that every marriage goes through it's high and low points. You guys are just in a natural part of the cycle. With that said, here are a few suggestions to make your marriage a little more interesting.
1) Stop complaining about the state of your union. Create an action plan for change and write it down. It's okay if you're the only one willing to spice things up at first. In time you'll find that your spouse will be receptive to the changes you've made, especially if you don't point out your changes or nag your spouse about changing.
2) I can't say it enough, turn off the T.V. at least 30-45 minutes a day and spend time with each other. No distractions.
3) Date each other as if you weren't married. Dress up, wear make up, cologne/perfume. Recreate your early years. Meet each other on site and pretend as though you're meeting for the first time
How To Come Up With Unique Anniversary Gift Ideas
The celebration of each wedding anniversary is associated with gifts made from a different material traditionally or in modern custom. For example, a gift made of paper traditionally and a clock gift in modern custom are often for the first wedding anniversary. Unique anniversary gifts are not limited by the tradition. When it comes to the gift giving, it's the thoughts that is often counted more than gifts themselves.
Because of love it is widely associated with sweet, not only the feeling but sweet candy, there are a large number of Anniversary Gift Ideas including chocolate candy and sugar free candy as core of the presents you can choose from or make with your own hands. Did you know that the 6th Wedding Anniversary was considered traditionally the Candy Anniversary year? Sweet candy was the symbol of the sixth anniversary, although associated to wood today, is being kept as the best time to give candy anniversary gifts to ensure the sweetness of marriage will not be endangered by the seventh year itch. Anniversary gifts for your soul mate or for a couple you appreciate are an appropriate way to express your own sweet affection. When it comes to presents to give your spouse, where your wedding anniversary is the occasion where details count more than the gift itself, and sweet candy can become as valuable as a diamond gift.
Flowers are the gifts that are appropriate for many occasions and celebrations. For celebration of anniversary, different flowers are designated to a specific year and has a specific meaning. Daisy's for the fifth anniversary, Daffodils the tenth anniversary, Roses for the fifteenth, Iris is for the twenty fifth year, Sweet Pea for the thirtieth, Nasturtium the fortieth, and Violets for the Fiftieth wedding anniversary.
The Internet opened a new and convenient way for people to find unique and personalized gifts whether you're looking for sweet chocolate gifts, or sending flowers. For their fifth anniversary in 2002, Carole was in Yorkshire, UK and her boyfriend Vic was in Cambridge, UK. Vic decided to head to the internet. Typing in flower delivery Yorkshire, then florists in Cambridge, Vic found the perfect anniversary flowers for Carole. The flowers can be ordered online from Cambridge, UK or even a florist in Sussex and sent to Yorkshire, UK and would arrive early next morning.
Although men and women have different ideas about what "romantic" means, both know anniversary gifts are important as a way to express how much they care for each other.
Advice To Keep Your Marriage Healthy
Advice for a good marriage can in some cases seem a little obvious, but in a lot of cases it can seem like just the advice you need. When you are involved in a long term relationship, sometimes it's hard to see the wood for the trees, and it takes only the most basic advice for us to see what is wrong. Check this article out for more information.
Advice for a good marriage 1
The best piece of advice is to be honest with yourself about when it is and isn't working. If you kid yourself that everything is fine when it isn't, things are hardly likely to get better-in fact you will usually notice things getting steadily worse. The sooner you spot and admit to problems, the sooner you can move past them. Half the work is done as soon as you admit something is wrong, so don't be afraid.
Advice for a good marriage 2
Learn to communicate effectively. Too often relationships degenerate into accusations and fighting as the default method of interaction. Can you honestly hope for things to last if that's how you both behave? If you have something under your skin, sit down and talk it out. Talking about things sensibly rarely makes things worse-unlike accusations and arguing!
Advice for a good marriage 3
Understand that you can't fix the problems in your marriage solely fixing your partner's behaviour. A marriage is exactly that-the joining of two people-so it's not healthy to make one person do all the changing and adapting. This will not lead to a healthy relationship. It's much better to sit and talk it out and then work out how you can both make things better for each other. It's also a lot easier this way, as each of you will usually only need to make small adjustments to keep the other happy.
Advice for a good marriage 4
Learn the difference between being in love and falling in love. When you fall in love, the person can do no wrong and people are able to behave in ways that their partner may not necessarily agree with in a normal state of mind. That's why it can take work to stay in love-the love is still there, but you can't expect to act however you please and for it to still be there. Love is like a fire, it sometimes needs to be tended to make sure it still burns.
Advice for a good marriage 5
Understand the principles of marriage karma-you get what you give, so if you go the extra yard for your partner and prove yourself to be kind, caring and considerate, the chances are they will act a lot more like that toward you too. Think about when you see couples that are really in love-it's rarely just one of them doing the kind things is it?
Hopefully this advice for a good marriage will help you out. Check out the links below for some great information on fixing your marriage for good.
Marriage Should Not Be A Compromise
Everyone has heard the old adage that marriage is all about compromise. That should not always be the case, though! Every issue should not be about compromise or your marriage will seem like a constant business negotiation, and someone will always feel slightly cheated. This can lead to resentment and bitterness. While many issues in marriage do require a great deal of compromise, sometimes you should just give in. In other words, pick your battles wisely.
Each spouse in a marriage should not be giving 50% all of the time. That is only half of what you have to give. You should be giving your all, 100%, all of the time. Then, you both will be giving your marriage all of your commitment and effort. While meeting halfway in the name of compromise is important, you should be willing to give in at times as well, for the sake of your spouse's happiness.
Romance isn't really romance when it's only convenient for you or your partner. Romantic holidays or occasions such as St. Valentine's Day or birthdays are only truly romantic if you go think of them the rest of the year. That doesn't mean spending a lot of money, either. Offer to stop on the way home to pick something up for dinner. Drop your spouse off and pick him or her up at the airport for business trips. Pitch in with the housework, cooking, and childcare without being asked to.
Instead of mulling over how to be romantic, simply do it. Romance is in the little gestures. If you spend too much time thinking about it, you will constantly talk yourself out of it. You will worry about rejection, and be afraid that your gesture will go unnoticed. Don't think about it, just do it!
The first step in becoming more romantic is by listening to your spouse. Not just listening to what they want, but listening to their successes, their failures, their feelings. By listening to your spouse with your eyes and ears and heart, you will show that person how committed you are to him or her. That deed will not go unnoticed! You will get an in-depth look into your spouse's soul, and will know exactly what to do to keep the romance alive with him or her. Being supportive and thoughtful will give you the opportunity to fall in love all over again.
Making Visitation Easier For The Kids
Switching between Mom's house and Dad's house can be difficult and stressful for children, but the manner that parents approach transition times can have a big impact on how children react. It is important for parents to realize that children have worries, concerns, hopes and fears about the divorce or separation, and times of visitation can often bring a lot of those concerns to the surface, especially if there is conflict between parents.
Research very clearly shows that the amount of conflict that children are exposed to before, during and after the divorce determines how well children will adjust to the divorce. If the conflict continues or gets worse during visitation times, or any other time, children are more likely to have emotional and behavioral problems. Children that see parents being civil and respectful of each other are more likely to feel loved, secure and safe and are less likely to have ongoing emotional or behavioral problems.
There are some strategies that parents can use to make visitation easier for children. Remember that the more strategies you use, the more beneficial it will be to your children.
1. Speak positively about the other parent and the time that children will spend with the other parent. For example " I know that you are going to have a great weekend with your Dad because he has special plans", is much more positive than "I know you don't want to go, but the court papers say you have too". In the first sample the child is clearly hearing that you know Dad is a fun person to be with, and has spent some time planning a great weekend.
2. Have the child ready to go on time, and be on time to pick-up the child or children. If you need the children to have a particular item, make sure you tell the other parent so they can be ready, rather than scrambling around at the last minute.
3. Avoid discussing any sensitive topics during the pick-up or drop-off of the kids. Make it short and positive, and don't be tempted to discuss problems or concerns at this time. Remember that this is a tough time for the children, and parent conflict or emotional tension will just make it worse.
4. Keep basic supplies at both houses. Avoid having to pack a suitcase for the children, rather have socks, underwear, pj's, shampoo, toothbrush, toothpaste, brushes and other personal items at both houses. This helps children understand that they have two homes, not just one home and a place to visit.
5. Avoid using the term "visitation" or "access" with your children. This is a court term, not a child-friendly phrase. Try saying "This is your weekend to spend time with Mom" rather than "This is Mom's visitation time".
6. Let the children know that they can call you to say goodnight or just to talk. Avoid calling over to the other parent's house as this can be seen as a sign of distrust. Rather allow the kids to call you, or perhaps arrange a time that you can phone over to say goodnight if the children are too young to use the phone.
Children love to spend time with both parents, and making visitation easier on the kids is one way that parents can begin to work together in their role as coparents to the children.
Infidelity Excuse I Fell Out Of Love And Just Love Being In Love
I find this dilemma rather common for younger couples, probably mid or late 30s and younger.
Usually one reports, "falling out of love" and is truly disturbed by this shift. He/she (and this is not merely a female problem!) wants to "recapture" those feelings.
This person has found a "significant other" who has stirred those dormant feelings and this person once again "feels in love."
They are determined not to "settle" for a less than an ideal relationship, which means, of course, feeling the love feelings.
Here are some Key Points for this kind of affair. (The 6 others are outlined in my E-book.)
1. Unfortunately, our culture (movies, songs, romance novels, soap operas, romance comedies) teaches us that this is how it's supposed to be. "Falling in love" is the norm - the implication being, that if it doesn't happen, or if it goes away, something is wrong - with you, your spouse or the marriage. A good relationship must first unlearn a great deal.
2. The person who was driven to find "that loving feeling" (reminds me of a song...) usually experiences a high degree of guilt and conflict. He/she is often married to a "good" person and the desire to "find that loving feeling" seems selfish (which it is) and immature (which it is). Intuitively (and this person usually has a great deal of intuition and sensitivity) it is known at another level that he/she is not on the right path.
3. This person usually has a need for drama and excitement. Life easily becomes a soap opera. Emotional juice from the fall-out of emotionally intense relationships reigns rather than living life from the core of who one is.
4. There is little understanding, or perhaps healthy models, of the shifts needed as a relationship matures. For example, "falling out of love" usually happens when the attractors become the distracters. For example: His love for fun and spontaneity, which drew her initially to him, becomes irresponsibility. Her stability and calm, which drew him initially to her, become control.
5. The person "looking for love" is actually looking for the ideal, someone out there, who will project back to him/her that he/she is OK. No, more than OK, close to perfect.
6. This person needs to be adored, or think another adores him/her, because there is a lack of inner strength and solid identity. The other becomes my world, because I lack a world. Being "in love" is the panacea for my emptiness.
7. Sexual intercourse does not need to be a part of these relationships. Sexual activity may indeed END the relationship or at least move it to the point where the attractors become, again, the distracters. The idealized images may be held together by long phone calls, gifts, holding, love letters, e-mails, etc.
8. This type of affair often occurs when there is a "lull" in the marriage relationship. The responsibility of raising children, starting and maintaining a career, paying bills, etc. become the focal point for the couple. Romance becomes a foreign word. People are especially vulnerable for this type of affair after the children are in school and/or the oldest child reaches early adolescence. (There are good reasons for this, from a family systems perspective, but I won't get into that here.)
Tip: If your spouse is struggling with this type of relationship, make sure you hold and care for your self. Your spouse does not have the capacity to do this for you (or anyone) at this point. Yes, you are ok. Her/his affair says less about you and much more about the emptiness within her/him. It is time for you to know you better. Model for him/her what it means to be a person with a core, with integrity, with boundaries, with values, with meaning, with purpose and actively figure out what your needs are, and get them met. Maybe she will ask questions. Maybe she will not. Maybe soon. Maybe later.
For more information on the different kinds of affairs, what causes them, the probabilities of them ending a marriage and what you can do about it, visit my site.
Money And Marriage 101
It is good to get some solid financial-based marriage advice before taking the plunge. The engagement ring is only the first of many big expenses. When considering money management just before and after marriage, there are some basic questions that you may want to ask:
Q. Is a prenuptial agreement necessary?
A. Legally speaking, marriage splits your combined assets and liabilities right down the middle. Everything gets shared. Therefore, a prenuptial agreement is sometimes very necessary, particularly when a married man or woman has assets or liabilities that will greatly exceed that of his or her spouse. To make a decision that is right for the both of you, consult with a financial planner who is familiar with the marriage laws in your state.
Q. What about opening a joint bank account?
A. Since all your money will in essence be merged together, opening a joint bank account can make paying bills much simpler. This is particularly true of bills for things that you own and share as a married couple, such as a house or insurance. However, it is also a good idea to budget some spending money to put into your own personal accounts.
Q. What is the average wedding cost?
A. Marriage preparation can be really hectic and stressful, depending on how fancy you want to get. Add the stress of trying to stick to a wedding budget, and you could be in for a rocky beginning. The average wedding cost is more than $15,000. This may be comfortable for you, or maybe not. Set a realistic budget taking into account your debts and your income.
Q. My spouse is a spender and I'm a saver. Will we ever agree?
A. A good marriage is about finding balance; but most of all, it is about survival. That means being less selfish, being willing to negotiate and to compromise. If you find yourself at odds about your spending habits, get premarital counseling. Couple counseling can open the lines of communication. In the long-run, good communication is the key to successful financial and family planning.
How Many Salaries Buy An Engagement Ring
A few weeks ago I went to a bachelor party of one of my old time high school buddies, since almost everyone there came from different backgrounds and economical situations it was very interesting to see the group of young men discussing many different issues, from foreign policy to buying engagement rings.
Yes, that is right, one of the main issues of the bachelor party was the dynamics of purchasing a engagement ring. It all started when one of the guys asked the soon to be married bachelor how did he decide on the engagement ring, and if he did it alone or used anyone to help him choose the ring.
This question sparked a very interesting talk between the already married guys, the main issues was not the kind of engagement ring and not the big debate on having a more traditional diamond on the ring or going with the modern no diamond engagement ring, but rather on how much money should be spent on a engagement ring, and more particularly - how many salaries should a young man put into his engagement ring.
Most of us know that there is this unwritten rule that states that an engagement ring cost should be equivalent to two salaries of the future husband. This is was the base of the debate at the bachelor party, and surprisingly enough most of the young men did not think that this is a rule you should abide to.
Today's reality has many financial burdens on a young man, and this is even worst if you are already talking about a couple. Since most couples live together for some time before deciding to get married, some man find it very hard to deal with payments of the regular daily lives and the financial planning in involved in a wedding proposal and the future costs of a wedding. Add to this the fact that most young man invest a little more in their wedding proposal and do it in a fancy restaurant or on a weekend resort hotel and you got a very stressful financial situation.
The solution is creating a budget for the whole proposal, and trying to keep this budget as close to the real financial ability at the time, or looking for outer financial help on making the marriage proposal of your dreams, and paying for it piece by piece later on, without it causing you financial stress for a few months.
The two month salary rule is not a standard, but getting a fabulous ring that your future wife can show the whole world is, so you should plan this purchase in advance and try to find out financing conditions and standards in the jewelry industry, you will be surprised to learn that some places are very understanding and helpful, and that it might be much easier to upgrade your marriage proposal than what you think.
No matter what you decide to do, I strongly advise you to research the jewelry market online and find out how you can make the most with your hard earned money. Good luck.
Seek Marriage Help From The Right Sources
If you need marriage help, don't make the mistake most people do. Don't talk to a member of the opposite sex about it unless that person is functioning in a professional capacity.
For example, a woman believes her husband doesn't give her as much attention as he should. She should never talk to a male coworker about the situation even if he is considered to be a dear friend. If he is sympathetic to her and they grow closer, more marriage problems are sure to follow. Depending on the workplace, conversation about the woman's situation might even be misconstrued as sexual harassment which is never appropriate in the work place.
The best person to discuss marriage help with is your spouse. If that just is not possible - either because your spouse is not willing or because there is a chance you might be harmed for trying to talk about your problems and concerns - talk with a trained professional. Visit a counselor or minister to talk about your marriage problems. They are trained to look at situations objectively and know how to maintain your confidentiality.
If you do not have a minister or know a counselor, you can find one discreetly by looking at your local phone book. Search under "counseling" or "marriage counselors" to find several to call. Some communities may even have counseling services free of charge for some situations. If you have a close friend you can confide in, ask if they have heard anything about the counselors you find. At work you can always pull that "a friend of mine is looking for a counselor. Have you heard of any?" trick.
If the advice you receive from the minister or counselor does not strike a chord with you, go somewhere else. That does not mean that if the advice is not what you want to hear, to leave it behind, however. When you seek help for your marriage, you need to be open minded enough to accept that some of the responsibility or blame may be your own.
Remember, the first step to solving any marriage problem is to seek help. If you and your spouse both agree, try going to a counselor together. The professional may prefer to see you individually after an initial meeting with the two of you together. If you are both willing to find marriage help, you will need to be accommodating and adaptable as you work through your problems and the counseling process.
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