Relationship renewal day will be celebrated on 4th May. This is the day to renew and bring new freshness in relationships. What does this mean? Why do relationships go dull and bad some times? Can bad relationships be renewed? Let us talk about all these.
Most of the relationships go through phases. In the beginning the relationship is full of care and love. The partners/spouses show extreme love and concern for each other. Till then they have not found out the differences. They crop up after some time. There are few ways the difference crop up. One may be expectations. The other may be- I am being used complex. The third may be- probably we are not right for each other. Let us find out how to bring a new life to the relationship that is suffering because of the problems I mentioned and other problems.
The first step is to stop complaining and begin thanking your partner. No one likes to hear complains every day. They also have their complains. Stop complaining and start saying Thanks for all that your partner does for you. You may say that there is nothing to thank for, but still try and find a reason to say -Thank you. That will bring immediate change and you will notice it.
The next step is to talk with your partners about his/her problems. Become a genuine friend and find out what is troubling them. That will make your partner feel that you are concerned. When you listen to their problems, you may find lot of truth in that. Try to do what ever you can to solve the problems and never let your partner feel lonely.
The third step is to begin saying I Love You in as many ways as possible. Let your partner feel the love again. This expression of love will bring the spark of affection back in your life.
How To Be Romantic
No one is born romantic. But like most things in life, being romantic is something that can be learned. Although romantic gestures may seem like they come easily to some people that is only because they've had lots of practice and because they are in tune with what motivates the opposite sex. Because that's all that is involved. Being romantic involves finding out what your partner wants (not what they need!), and then finding a unique way to meet those wants. Pretty simple, huh?
Let's get one thing cleared up first. Being romantic isn't about some grand extravagant gesture like flying first class to Paris for a 2 week romantic blitz. It's about the little things. Little things are simple things that you do for your loved one. Despite the fact that they are "little" they can mean a lot because it illustrates that you took time out of your busy life just to show them how much you care.
One thing that most people want, male and female, is to feel special and loved. It's how you show them that you love them, where the challenge comes in. Some people feel loved when they are told repeatedly that they are loved. Others feel loved when they are touched frequently. And others see love in gestures and everyday kindnesses. Of course, there are others that may need all three of the above to really feel loved and secure but usually there is one need that dominates. You need to find out what your partner needs and then you can begin working out what method you will use to romance them.
Not sure what your loved one prefers? Do an experiment or three and see how they respond? You'll very quickly work it out.
What can you do if your loved one wants to hear how much you love them? You need to tell them. But don't just tell them and have it coming off like some kind of rote response to hello or goodbye or please pass the pepper. Think about different ways you can get your message across. You could:
.Post them a good old fashioned love letter
.Send a romantic email
.Text them a love message
.Place a love note somewhere it will be found easily, in their car or lunch bag or under their pillow or taped to the phone receiver or their computer
.For the kid in all of us! Use multi-colored, sidewalk chalk to draw a BIG heart in red and write "I love you" in the middle of the heart. Do this someplace prominent like your driveway so that when your partner comes home they will see it right away.
.Make a long list of the many reasons why you love your partner and have the list framed and present it to them.
.If you don't live together, call your loved one just to say goodnight and recite a favorite love poem over the phone.
.Give your loved one a compliment, about how great they look or what their smile does to you
If your loved one needs regular physical contact to feel loved you can:
.Give them a massage - backs and feet at the end of a work week is always well received!
.Keep in physical contact as often as you can, for example, when watching TV together, eating dinner (it doesn't just have to be hands, you can make sure your feet or legs are touching)
.Give them random hugs
.Put your arm around your loved one in public
.Hold hands as you walk side by side
.Cuddle up in your pj's and watch a romantic movie together
.Make sure you kiss them when you get home and kiss before you leave
If your actions speak louder than words for your loved one then you'll want to focus on gestures that express your feelings. You can try:
.While your partner showers, heat up his or her towel in the dryer.
.Have flowers delivered to partner at work.
.Surprise your partner by arriving home with their favorite drink, snack, or ice-cream.
.Arrange for an intimate lunch date with your partner. Then afterward, send a virtual card. Tell them how much you enjoyed lunch together.
.Call your partner in the middle of the day to discuss your romantic plans for that evening.
.Write your own love coupon offering an hour of your time as their personal love slave.
.Cook a favorite meal for your partner and then eat it, slowly, by candlelight.
.Pick a bouquet of wild flowers and present them with a kiss.
.Call spontaneously at their work to say "I am thinking of you."
If they like all of the above then you can really go wild and mix it all up together. The only limit is your own imagination and the desire to make it happen.
Ten Signs Of A Serious Relationship
When you are with someone you really care about, how can you tell if that person is the one for you? How can you find out where your relationship stands? Are there any clues that could tell you if the relationship will lead into marriage?
Perhaps you are at the stage where you feel that you are ready to settle down and would like to know if the relationship is going anywhere. How do you find out if the person you are with is as committed to you as you are to him/her?
Below are some signs that could help you tell how serious and dedicated you and your partner are getting and how close you are into taking that next step:
1. You drop the "I" or "you" and start referring to each other as "we".
2. There is no one else that you can imagine being with than him or her. They are starting to become the most important person in your life.
3. You catch yourself thinking about ways to please your partner rather than yourself.
4. You see yourselves growing old together, walking hand in hand along the shore, and taking care of each other.
5. You have fun imagining what your children and grandchildren will be like.
6. You start looking at money in a different way, like thinking about buying a house together, saving for a trip together, spending it on anything that you both can share.
7. You cancel dates with your friends and other people because you would rather spend time with him or her.
8. You start feeling tired of the single life and start thinking about getting married.
9. You feel strongly that it is very important for your family and your 'special someone's' parents to get along.
10. You start thinking and talking more about the future and your goals together.
Fight Flight Or Loving Action
Fight or flight - our automatic response to danger. When fear is present, adrenaline pours into our system to prepare us to fight or flee - from the tiger, the bear, the lava from the volcano....
Fight or flight - today we automatically respond this way to the present dangers, the deep fears that come up in relationships: rejection and engulfment - fears of loss of other and loss of self.
Often, when we feel rejected and fear the loss of the other, we fight for love not to go away by defending, explaining, blaming, attacking, complying, fixing, or we flee through withdrawal. Often, when we feel engulfed and fear losing ourselves through being controlled by another, we flee through resistance or withdrawal, or fight by attacking, defending, or explaining. Just as our ancestors fought or fled from physical danger, we fight and flee from emotional danger. The problem is that, while fight or flight is appropriate in the face of physical danger, this same behavior in the face of emotional fear causes deep problems in relationships.
When we respond automatically to the fears of losing ourselves and losing another, we behave in the very ways that create fear in the other. Our fight or flight reactions create fear in the other person - the same fears of losing themselves or losing us. Our fighting and fleeing activates others' fear of rejection and engulfment, creating a vicious circle of fighting and fleeing.
These unconscious, automatic reactions to emotional danger were learned long ago, when we were very small and had to rely on fight or flight as part of our survival. Today they are now longer necessary for our survival, and need to be replaced with loving actions toward ourselves and others.
What does it mean to take loving action in the face of another's fight or flight behavior? Where do we get the role modeling for what it looks like to take loving action in the face of another's unloving behavior? Most of us had parents who did not role model loving action in the face of conflict. We have not seen much of it on TV or in movies. How do we learn to take loving action in our own behalf when in conflict with another - action that takes care of ourselves without violating or threatening another?
This role modeling exists in the form of our spiritual Guidance. Tapping into this Guidance is not as hard as you may think - it just takes practice and a deep desire to move out of fight or flight and into loving action.
The steps we can take to move out of automatic fight or flight and into loving actions are:
1. Start to attend to your feelings, the physical sensations within your body that let you know when you are anxious or afraid.
2. Stop and breathe when you feel fear or anxiety in the face of conflict, or in the face of another's fight or flight behavior. Give yourself some breathing time to make a conscious decision rather than go on automatic pilot.
3. Open to learning with the source of spiritual Guidance that is always here for all of us by asking with a sincere desire to know, "What is the loving action? What is in my highest good and the highest good of the other?" Asking this question with a deep desire to learn opens the door to receiving information. It does not matter whether you are asking this of your own highest self within, or from an external source of wisdom. The information will come in the form of words, pictures, or feelings when you sincerely want to be loving to yourself and others.
4. Take action on the information you receive.
Examples of loving action are:
1. Move into compassion for the other person, recognizing that he or she would not be in fight or flight without being in fear. Asking the other person, again from a deep desire to learn, what he or she is afraid of that is causing this behavior may de-escalate the situation and lead to understanding and healing.
2. If the other person is not open to calm discussion and exploration of the conflict, disengage from the interaction, speaking your truth without anger or blame. For example, you might say, "I don't want to fight with you. I'm going to take a walk and let's try to talk about it later." Or, "This isn't feeling good between us. Let's take a break and get together later."
3. If the other person has withdrawn from you, loving action may be to do something fun or nurturing for yourself.
Both staying and learning together or taking some time apart to reflect on the issues or self-nurture will break the cycle of each person going into fight or flight in reaction to the other person's fight or flight. It takes conscious practice to stop going into automatic behavior, but the payoff is well worth the time it takes to practice loving action.
Love Test Are You Getting Attracted To Another Person
Let us look at a scenario. You are in love and you have progressed in relationship. Both of you are happy with each other and plan to think of future. And a third person enters your life. You are in love with that person. You find animal magnetism in that new entrant and feel quite helpless. You wish to break up with your old flame and develop relationship with the new. You are getting confused about what you should do?
This is not very unusual. Many marriages have been broken because of this. Many relationships got destroyed because of this. The failure to understand what is happening and the failure of right judgment may leave both the earlier partners destroyed. Let us look at this situation in detail and discuss the options.
The first step would be to assess the earlier relationship. Find out whether you will be happy after breaking that. If you find that unhappiness will be more than any possible gains, you must drop the idea of developing the new relation and carry on with the earlier one.
If you are getting very much attracted with the new entrant, please think about your reasons. What are the reasons of your attraction? is it only lust or something else? Will you be more satisfied in the new relationship? Or will that be temporary as one more person enters your life.
A relationship cannot be developed on sudden attraction. It has to grow slowly and both the partners contribute to make a good relationship. Before entering into a new relationship, please weigh all the options and then decide. Hasty and emotional action can lead to long-term pain.
Let Romance Motivate Us
All of us need motivation. We eat because we feel hungry. We drink water because we are thirsty. We do everything in life for a reason.
For living, we only need air, water, food and shelter. But we are much more evolved than animals. So we want to achieve something in life that satisfies us. That makes us feel a success.
All of us have our own goals. Some of us have goals that look highly impossible. But history tells us that this has been done. Unknown people born in unknown families have amassed wealth beyond imagination. Great painters were born in small places but today the whole world knows about them. How? Becaue they wanted to achieve something. Take any field and you will find some achievers who themselves cannot believe about their own success!
It is said that behind every successful person, there is one of the opposite sex. This is true, because romance is a great motivator. In romance, one begins looking at the world with different eyes. In romance, one wants to look good in the eyes of the beloved. In romance one wants to do everything that pleases one's beloved. Love conquers all the obstacles on the way and impossible begins looking possible. The romance of a flower makes a Butterfly run hither thither.
Bring romance in your life. You will find yourself a changed person. You will reach heights from where everything will look small. Let romance motivate you to do what you had only dreamt of.
A Good Communication Technique
Human beings are social beings and we are interacting with people every day of our life. Often, our happiness depends a great deal on how the interactions with each person turn out. This is especially true of those whom we care about e.g. in close friendships as well as in marriage. However, because each personality we deal with is unique and presents its own challenges, managing the myriad of relationships requires us to consciously observe the process and impact of our interactions so that we continue to gain knowledge, understanding and experience in developing relationships in a positive way.
I have realized that to have good management of relationships, we need to be assertive and honest in sharing our thoughts, feelings and concerns. However, this needs to be done in a way that does not provoke the other party, but is instead respectful and encourages both parties to listen to each other. A good way to do this is through the communication technique of "I" Messages.
In "I" messages, statements are made about ourselves, how we feel and our concerns, and what actions of the other party has led to the concerns. "You" messages focus on the other person and would usually lead the other party to become defensive unless the "You" message is a positive statement of the other person. For example, a husband or wife is waiting for the return of the spouse and when the spouse returns, he or she might be greeted by this: "You are always coming home late! Why can't you come back earlier?" This "You" message leads to the spouse feeling blamed and attacked and the ensuing communication would likely not be an amiable one. In a conflicting situation, "You" message focuses on attacking the other person. As a result, the primary issues are pushed aside. In contrast, in this same scenario, an "I" message would look like this: "I feel rather lonely while waiting for you to come home. I'm concerned that you are often home late and I get rather frustrated wondering when you're going to be home." In this statement therefore, the speaker shares his or her feelings and concerns. The clear communication of the concern is a good starting point for both parties to work out what can be done about it.
"I" messages are effective because the focus is on the issue or concern and not on the other person. The sharing of the speaker's feelings can also lead to more trust in the relationship as it shows the speaker is willing to look within himself or herself and take responsibility for his or her feelings.
In fact, generally in most interactions, my opinion is that the use of "I" messages is always superior to "You" messages and is a more respectful way of communicating. So, even when expressing positive feelings, a "You" message: "You look good in this dress", could be enhanced by "I" messages: "I'm so happy to see you. I remember all the fun we used to have. You look good."
Generally, there are three parts to an "I" message:
I feel _________________ (express your feeling)
when you _____________ (describe the action that affects you or relates to the feeling)
because _______________ (explain how the action affects you or relates to the feeling)
The order in which the 3 parts are expressed is usually not important.
Sometimes a fourth part might be added. This states our preference for what we would like to take place instead.
Examples of more "I" messages:
"I get very anxious when you raise your voice at me because it makes me feel like I've done something very wrong. Could you please not raise your voice when we talk?"
"I'm so happy you're learning to cook because then I'll know you can prepare your own meal when I'm unable to be home in time to cook."
"When you take so long talking to your friend on the phone, I'm concerned that there might be urgent calls that cannot come through. Also, I feel frustrated as I would like to spend more time with you. How about asking your friend to call at another time, when I am not around."
Use of "I" messages might not come naturally to most people initially. However, with practice, you will be surprised at how you will begin to like this communication approach, especially when you begin to experience the good result of better quality interactions and more harmonious relationships.
The Malignant Optimism Of The Abused
I often come across sad examples of the powers of self-delusion that the narcissist provokes in his victims. It is what I call "malignant optimism". People refuse to believe that some questions are unsolvable, some diseases incurable, some disasters inevitable. They see a sign of hope in every fluctuation. They read meaning and patterns into every random occurrence, utterance, or slip. They are deceived by their own pressing need to believe in the ultimate victory of good over evil, health over sickness, order over disorder. Life appears otherwise so meaningless, so unjust and so arbitrary...
So, they impose upon it a design, progress, aims, and paths. This is magical thinking.
"If only he tried hard enough", "If he only really wanted to heal", "If only we found the right therapy", "If only his defences were down", "There MUST be something good and worthy under the hideous facade", "NO ONE can be that evil and destructive", "He must have meant it differently" "God, or a higher being, or the spirit, or the soul is the solution and the answer to our prayers".
The Pollyanna defences of the abused are aimed against the emerging and horrible understanding that humans are specks of dust in a totally indifferent universe, the playthings of evil and sadistic forces, of which the narcissist is one - as well as against the unbearable realization that their pain means nothing to anyone but themselves. Nothing whatsoever. It has all been in vain.
The narcissist holds such thinking in barely undisguised contempt. To him, it is a sign of weakness, the scent of prey, a gaping vulnerability. He uses and abuses this human need for order, good, and meaning - as he uses and abuses all other human needs. Gullibility, selective blindness, malignant optimism - these are the weapons of the beast. And the abused are hard at work to provide it with its arsenal.
Reading The Signs Common Relationship Mistakes
No matter how you slice it, the break up of any relationship almost always leaves at least one person asking, "How did this happen?"
The people who ask this question are the ones who fail to recognize the warning signs that point to a relationship in jeopardy. The reasons for which can range from being too involved in the relationship to being too detached.
As they say, hindsight is always 20/20 vision. The insight and wisdom you've gained, unfortunately, came in too late to do something about saving the relationship.
But that doesn't have to be necessarily so, IF you are able to identify the problem in its beginnings and take the proper steps to address them.
So what are these warning signs? Below are some of the more common relationship mistakes that you should be aware of so that when they do come up, you're in a better position to do something about it.
1. Cultivating false expectations.
Nobody is perfect, and yet, for some reason you may expect some people in your life to be just that. So when they don't turn out to be the way you thought they should be, you become disappointed and wonder what you ever saw in them.
Now, it's very likely, that you never meant to set the bar so high. But usually, this kind of expectation is set when the person in question is someone you regard very highly, and therefore idealize.
There is nothing wrong about thinking highly of someone, but remember, that they, just like you, are only human capable of making mistakes. So the earlier you incorporate this fact into how you see people and their relationship to you, the better you are at handling their shortcomings when they arise.
2. Assuming they will never change.
As the old saying goes, "The only constant thing in this world is change." This applies to everything, including people. The person you now know may be totally different five years from now. This is because events and people in his/her life will affect how he/she is as a person. Whether you like it or not, the people in your life will go through changes and you should be prepared for that.
3. Leaving out interests and friends for that person.
Some people assume that for a relationship to grow strong, they need to focus all their attention and energy on that one person. Usually, what happens is that they lose time for other people in their lives, shutting them out.
This is about as bad a move as you can make for yourself. You are doubly at loss because the relationships that you've set aside feel abandoned while the one you're focused on is experiencing a lot of strain. It will only be a matter of time when the person you've put so much time on will feel smothered and wants to take time off from you. When that happens, you'll find that there is hardly anyone to catch you because you've left all the others out.
4. Conflicts are bad.
The next time you run into an argument, avoid the assumption that the relationship is immediately doomed. Remember that the other person is someone different from you and ultimately, will have a different set of opinions from yours.
Given this, there will be disagreements, but that does not mean that you cannot resolve it amiably. In fact, conflicts can help the two of you develop a deeper relationship with each other since you discover more things about that person. And as you work around these conflicts a deeper bond is formed.
5. Believing that you need a relationship to become a complete person.
Develop the attitude that you can stand on your own two feet and that you are complete regardless of whether you are in a relationship with someone or not.
Do not allow a hole within yourself expecting someone else to fill it for you. If you do, you go through life feeling incomplete, leaving you jaded and unsatisfied. Be in control of your needs and learn to be satisfied with who you are. Relationships are meant to enrich something that is already complete to begin with.
Being aware of these warning signs and taking the effort to change will save you a whole lot of disappointment and grief. You can only be a better person for it, which in turn, improves your relationships with others. And that leads to a fuller, more satisfying life for everyone concerned.
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