Relationships Articles
Should I Spend Money On Women
(category: Relationships, Word count: 256)
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As the old adage goes, "Money makes the world go round." You can buy almost everything if you have the money to pay for it. It makes every person wanting to have more to buy more. It creates the instant flow among businesspeople, consumers, negotiators, etc.
However, one thing is certainly included in this money consumption, and yet it nobody seems to be the least concerned about it. It is the fact that there are men who are willing to spend more money on women.
However, it all goes to the point that there can be "all fun and no work" game here. The fact is that the more you have your wealth, the more you have problems. In addition, if you get to spend your money on the wrong places and the wrong thing, you get into trouble more than you have ever expected.
Money and Women
With money ready to buy what you want in a split of a second, you thought that you could almost have everything. Therefore, when the time comes that you have to woo a particular woman that you really like; you suddenly have the propensity to splurge any amount just to keep her on your toes.
Sounds like a good idea? Think again.
In contrast to what most rich people know, money and women should never be mixed. They certainly do not go hand in hand.
In most cases, when women see you with lots of money, they only see your fa
Flowers To Touch The Heart
(category: Relationships, Word count: 434)
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Roses, daffodils, tulips, violets, chrysanthemums. The perfect way to melt the heart of every woman in your life is with flowers. Flowers touch that special place inside of every woman and lets them know that you care. Whether it is your wife, girlfriend, or mom, flowers speak the universal language of affection and appreciation. Sending flowers is a tangible way to show your love and regard.
In this day and age, there are many ways to give flowers to the woman in your life and the Chicago area is a wonderful hub of different options. No matter your style or budget, you can send flowers to the woman you love. Flowers can be found in arrangements or can be purchased singly. Baskets and bouquets are other ways to express how you feel to that special woman. You can combine flowers with candy or balloons to create a unique arrangement. Flower arrangements come a rainbow of colors and styles.
If the internet purchases are your style then there are a number of options available. Search for your favorite florist and flowers for that special woman are right at your fingertips. It couldn't be easier. Make your selection from a huge variety of options and then have them delivered right to that special lady's door. Here in Chicago where our lives are hectic and time is short, delivery is often the best option. Just a few moments at your computer and you can let the women in your life know that you care.
Each of online flower shops offer you a variety of convenient options. You can choose from a variety of arrangements or design one yourself. Each flower arrangement can be personalized with a note that shows you care.
What variety of flower should you send? Each flower has a symbolic meaning. You can send one specific kind of flower or create a bouquet that shows an array of feelings. For you mom, you might give Larkspur, which symbolizes laughter or perhaps Daffodils, which symbolize regard. For a new relationship, Lilacs represent first love and Violets stand for affection. If you wish to honor your wife, you might choose Blue Violets, which are a symbol of faithfulness or Red and White Roses, which represent unity.
Flowers truly are the way to a woman's heart. Tell your girlfriend you care, let your wife know how much she means to you; thank your mom for all her years of care. Sending flowers is an easy and heartfelt way to express your feelings for that special woman in your life.
What Is A Boundary
(category: Relationships, Word count: 762)
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My clients often explain to me how they set a boundary. They tell me something like, "I set a boundary. I told him he has to stop putting me down in public," or "I set a boundary. I told her she has to be on time from now on," or "I set a boundary. I told him he has to stop being critical of me."
This is not a boundary. A boundary is not about telling another person what to do. It is about telling another person what YOU will do in the face of the other's continued unkind or undesirable behavior. While it is hard for most people to accept, we cannot control another's behavior. What we can control is our own response in the face of others' behavior.
A boundary is about telling your truth and taking action on it. For example:
"I'm no longer willing to be with you in public when you put me down. The next time you do that, I will announce to everyone that I'm unwilling to be put down by you any more. Then I will leave and take the car or a cab home."
"I'm no longer willing to be late to events because of you being late. The next time you are late, I will leave without you. If you continue to be late, then I will just plan on taking separate cars."
"Your constant criticisms feel awful to me. From now on, when you are critical, I will tell you that it feels awful and leave the room."
Then, of course, you have to take the action you have said you would take. If you do not take the action, then what you have said is a manipulation rather than a truth. A boundary means nothing until you are willing to take the action.
The tricky part of this has to do with your intent. If you intent is to control the other person rather than take loving care of yourself, then your statement and action is just another form of control. If your desire is to take responsibility for yourself, then your tone of voice will be calm and matter-of-fact - just letting the other person know what you will be doing or are doing. If your desire is to control the other person, then your tone of voice will be angry, blaming, and accusing, and your energy will be hard and closed.
We cannot hide our intent - it will always come through in our energy and our tone of voice. However you might try to mask an intent to control, the other will always pick up on it and probably react to it with his or her own controlling behavior.
You are coming from a place of personal power when your intent is to take loving care of yourself rather than control the other. Since you cannot ultimately control another, trying to will leave you feeling frustrated and powerless.
The challenging part of this is taking the loving action on your own behalf. In order to take loving care of yourself, you need to be willing to let go of the outcome regarding how the other person will feel and behave. If you are focused on controlling how the other person will feel in the face of your actions, then you will not be able to take the loving action. If your focus is on the other person, such as, "He will feel hurt and angry if I leave the party," or "She will be furious with me if I leave without her," or "He will feel rejected and tell me I am running away from conflict if I leave the room when he is critical," then you will be unable to take the loving action.
Only if you are in compassion for yourself will you be able to act on your own behalf. Compassion for yourself means that you are 100% willing to take responsibility for your own feelings rather than trying to get someone else to do it for you, or rather than trying to control another's feelings. It means that you are willing for the other person to be upset with you rather than continue to be treated unkindly.
People tend to mirror how we treat ourselves. If you tolerate unkind treatment, you are letting others know that it is okay to treat you badly. By taking loving care of yourself in the face of others' unkind behavior, you will find that generally others will respect you and treat you well.
Power Struggles Being Right Or Being Loving
(category: Relationships, Word count: 712)
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Mandy and Evan consulted with me for couple's counseling because they were always bickering. Every little thing seemed to become an issue between them. They loved each other very much, but the bickering was certainly getting in the way of enjoying each other.
I ask Mandy and Evan to come up with some recent conflicts so I could experience what was happening between them. They had conflicts over time, money, child rearing, family, and chores. The dynamic between them was the same no matter what the issue: One of them would complain about something - like the house being messy or the other person not being on time, and the other would argue, explain and defend. Then they would go back and forth, each one defending and explaining their position. Neither one listened to the other or even seemed to care about the other's feelings or position. They would each get locked into their positions, seeing themselves as right and trying to convince the other person to see it their way. They had what I call a "control-resist system."
In this system, one person approaches the other with an intention to win, to be right - to control. The other person, not wanting to be controlled, goes into resistance. One is trying to win and the other is trying not to lose. One is trying to be right and the other is trying not to be wrong. As long as their intentions were to control and not be controlled, they were stuck. They had no way of reaching resolution on any of their issues.
While Mandy and Evan loved each other, caring was not a part of this system. As soon as an issue came up, they stopped caring about themselves and each other. They were so intent on winning or not losing that caring went out the window.
"At any given moment," I said to them, "you are either in the intent to control or the intent to learn. The problem is that both of you immediately choose the intent to control, which will always result in bickering. Mandy, I'd like you to try right now to listen to Evan's concerns about the messiness of the house. See if you can find a place of caring about his feelings. See if you can really listen and see it through his eyes. Then I will have him do the same for you."
As Mandy really listened to Evan with caring and a desire to learn, she began to understand his frustration. For the first time, Evan felt really heard regarding this issue. Then Evan really listened to Mandy, trying to see things through her experience. They found that as they each began to understand the other's feelings and experience, new ideas came up to resolve the problem.
Being in the intent to learn is about learning rather than about solving problems. Resolution may be the outcome or it may not, but the new learning will inevitably lead to positive change.
Often, people are reluctant to listen to each other for fear of losing themselves. They fear that if they listen to the other person, they will appear to be weak and will get taken advantage of. But the intent to learn is not just about listening to the other - it is also about listening to yourself and learning to stand in your own truth without having to impose it on another. If you are caring about both yourself and the other person, then you will not end up losing yourself in the conflict.
The intent to learn is about being in compassion for both yourself and your partner. When caring and compassion are more important than winning and being right, you will find a way for both of you to win.
Next time you are having a conflict, ask yourself, "Am I trying to control or am I willing to learn?" Even if your partner continues to try to control when you move into compassionate learning, you will discover new inner power, strength and wisdom that is far more satisfying than winning or losing. You will be able to move beyond the bickering as you learn to listen while standing solidly in your truth.
Relationship Will I Get Appreciation Also
(category: Relationships, Word count: 262)
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Did I do everything wrong? Did I only destroy? Did I always trouble you? Did I never love you? Was I that bad? Then why did you fall in love with me? Who did all that you used to appreciate? Who was so good that you loved it all the time? Who was that person? Thoughts that hammer our mind when the relationship gives only blame. One remembers that he/she also did something good for the relationship. But as the relationship deteriorates, one partner takes it upon himself/herself to blame mercilessly.
The same partner was all appreciation some months back, and the same partner has nothing good to say about the relationship. This is nothing but abuse. This is emotional abuse made to drive a sensible person lunatic. Blame them so much that they are left with no energy to retaliate. The relationship at this stage is maintained only to abuse. If the abuser breaks it totally, whom will she/he accuse and abuse? So they continue with the relationship. They are intoxicated with their sadism.
There is no reason to believe that all people are good. Some are evil. You may not guess about their true nature in the beginning, but once they open up, you will see evil in front of you. Such evil people will hit you where it hurts most- your faith in humanity. What can be done by you in such a relationship? Once you realize that your partner is evil, break-up immediately. Never ask the question- will I get appreciation also?
Lies People Tell
(category: Relationships, Word count: 1075)
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All people lie some of the time. They use words to convey their lies while their body language usually gives them away. This is curious. Why did evolution prefer this self defeating strategy? The answer lies in the causes of the phenomenon.
We lie for three main reasons and these give rise to three categories of lies:
1.. The Empathic Lie - is a lie told with the intention of sparing someone's feelings. It is a face saving lie - but someone else's face. It is designed to prevent a loss of social status, the onslaught of social sanctions, the process of judgement involved in both. It is a derivative o our ability to put ourselves in someone else's shoes - that is, to empathize. It is intended to spare OUR feelings, which are bound to turn more and more unpleasant the more we sympathize with the social-mental predicament of the person lied to. The reverse, brutal honesty, at all costs and in all circumstances - is a form of sadistic impulse. The lie achieves its goal only if the recipient cooperates, does not actively seek the truth out and acquiescently participates in the mini-drama unfolding in his honour.
2.. The Egocentric Lie - is a lie intended to further the well being of the liar. This can be achieved in one of two ways. The lie can help the liar to achieve his goals (a Goal Seeking Lie) or to avoid embarrassment, humiliation, social sanctions, judgement, criticism and, in general, unpleasant experiences related to social standing (a Face Saving Lie). The Goal Seeking Lie is useful only when considering the liar as an individual, independent unit. The Face Saving type is instrumental only in social situations. We can use the terms: Individualistic Lie and Social Lie respectively.
3.. The Narcissistic Lie - is separated from his brethren by its breadth and recursiveness. It is all-pervasive, ubiquitous, ever recurring, all encompassing, entangled and intertwined with all the elements of the liar's life and personality. Moreover, it is a lie of whose nature the liar is not aware and he is convinced of its truth. But the people surrounding the Narcissist liar notice the lie. The Narcissist-liar is rather like a hunchback without a mirror. He does not believe in the reality of his own hump. It seems that where the liar does not believe his own lies - he succeeds in convincing his victims rather effectively. When he does believe in his own inventions - he fails miserably at trapping his fellow men.
Confabulations are an important part of life. They serve to heal emotional wounds or to prevent ones from being inflicted in the first place. They prop-up the confabulator's self-esteem, regulate his (or her) sense of self-worth, and buttress his (or her) self-image. They serve as organizing principles in social interactions.
Father's wartime heroism, mother's youthful good looks, one's oft-recounted exploits, erstwhile alleged brilliance, and past purported sexual irresistibility - are typical examples of white, fuzzy, heart-warming lies wrapped around a shriveled kernel of truth.
But the distinction between reality and fantasy is rarely completely lost. Deep inside, the healthy confabulator knows where facts end and wishful thinking takes over. Father acknowledges he was no war hero, though he did his share of fighting. Mother understands she was no ravishing beauty, though she may have been attractive. The confabulator realizes that his recounted exploits are overblown, his brilliance exaggerated, and his sexual irresistibility a myth.
Such distinctions never rise to the surface because everyone - the confabulator and his audience alike - have a common interest to maintain the confabulation. To challenge the integrity of the confabulator or the veracity of his confabulations is to threaten the very fabric of family and society. Human intercourse is built around such entertaining deviations from the truth.
This is where the narcissist differs from others (from "normal" people).
His very self is a piece of fiction concocted to fend off hurt and to nurture the narcissist's grandiosity. He fails in his "reality test" - the ability to distinguish the actual from the imagined. The narcissist fervently believes in his own infallibility, brilliance, omnipotence, heroism, and perfection. He doesn't dare confront the truth and admit it even to himself.
Moreover, he imposes his personal mythology on his nearest and dearest. Spouse, children, colleagues, friends, neighbors - sometimes even perfect strangers - must abide by the narcissist's narrative or face his wrath. The narcissist countenances no disagreement, alternative points of view, or criticism. To him, confabulation IS reality.
The coherence of the narcissist's dysfunctional and precariously-balanced personality depends on the plausibility of his stories and on their acceptance by his Sources of Narcissistic Supply. The narcissist invests an inordinate time in substantiating his tales, collecting "evidence", defending his version of events, and in re-interpreting reality to fit his scenario. As a result, most narcissists are self-delusional, obstinate, opinionated, and argumentative.
The narcissist's lies are not goal-orientated. This is what makes his constant dishonesty both disconcerting and incomprehensible. The narcissist lies at the drop of a hat, needlessly, and almost ceaselessly. He lies in order to avoid the Grandiosity Gap - when the abyss between fact and (narcissistic) fiction becomes too gaping to ignore.
The narcissist lies in order to preserve appearances, uphold fantasies, support the tall (and impossible) tales of his False Self and extract Narcissistic Supply from unsuspecting sources, who are not yet on to him. To the narcissist, confabulation is not merely a way of life - but life itself.
We are all conditioned to let other indulge in pet delusions and get away with white, not too egregious, lies. The narcissist makes use of our socialization. We dare not confront or expose him, despite the outlandishness of his claims, the improbability of his stories, the implausibility of his alleged accomplishments and conquests. We simply turn the other cheek, or meekly avert our eyes, often embarrassed.
Moreover, the narcissist makes clear, from the very beginning, that it is his way or the highway. His aggression - even violent streak - are close to the surface. He may be charming in a first encounter - but even then there are telltale signs of pent-up abuse. His interlocutors sense this impending threat and avoid conflict by acquiescing with the narcissist's fairy tales. Thus he imposes his private universe and virtual reality on his milieu - sometimes with disastrous consequences.
Overcoming Fears Of Intimacy
(category: Relationships, Word count: 759)
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Sam, age 42, had never been married. It's not that Sam had never fallen in love. But every time a relationship had started to move toward commitment, Sam ran.
When Sam's loneliness became overwhelming to him, he called me for help.
"I want to be in a relationship, yet every time I get close to someone, I run away. I'm not even sure what I'm so afraid of, but I must be terrified of something!"
"Sam, what happens inside you when you like someone?" The following answer and resulting dialogue came out over time, but I've condensed it here.
"I think that if this person really knew me, she wouldn't like me. I do all kinds of nice things for her so she will like me. Then after a while I start to feel trapped and I pull back. She gets upset about my pulling back and I then feel even more trapped. Once she gets mad at me, I stop feeling in love with her. That's when I decide she is not the right one for me. This has happened over and over."
"So the first problem is that you believe that she won't like you when she gets to know you. Out of your fear of rejection, you try to control how she feels about you by doing nice things for her. But then you feel trapped and your fear of engulfment - of being controlled by her and losing yourself in the relationship - kicks in. Then you run. It sounds like your underlying fears of rejection and engulfment are controlling your life and not letting you share love."
"That's exactly right! So what do I do about this?"
Sam was operating from core shame - the false belief that there was something basically wrong with him. As long as he believed that he was inherently flawed and unlovable, he would fear rejection. Out of his fear of rejection, he would give himself up until he felt trapped, and then he would run.
The part of Sam that believed that he wasn't good enough is his wounded self. The basis of the wounded self in all of us is our core shame false belief - the belief that we are inherently flawed. Our wounded self does not know that we are a perfect child of God, an individual expression of the Divine. Because the wounded self operates out of false beliefs rather than from the truth of who we really are, it wants to control how people feel about us. Sam needed to develop a loving Adult part of himself - a part of himself connected to a spiritual Source of love and truth - in order to heal his core shame.
The Six Step Inner Bonding process is a profound process for developing the loving Adult and for healing the fears and limiting beliefs of the wounded self. As Sam started to practice Inner Bonding, he slowly developed an Adult self who loved and valued his core Self, his true essence. As he developed this inner sense of personal power, he lost his fear of rejection. He saw that if a woman rejected him, it was because of her fears rather than because of his inadequacy or unlovability. Because he stopped taking rejection personally, he stopped fearing it.
Once he stopped fearing rejection, he stopped giving himself up in his attempt to control how a woman felt about him. Once he stopped giving himself up, he stopped feel trapped and engulfed in a relationship.
Over time, by consistently practicing the Six Steps of Inner Bonding, Sam developed a powerful inner loving Adult self and healed his fears of rejection and engulfment. Sam is now happily married with a child on the way.
This did not happen quickly. It took Sam time to heal his false beliefs about his own adequacy and lovability. It took time to develop a personal relationship with a spiritual Source of love and truth. It took time to be in truth with a woman rather than being "nice" to try to control how she felt about him. It took time for him to feel safe in being himself. It took a couple of years of devoted inner work.
But if you were to ask Sam if all the time it took was worth it, he would look at you with shining eyes and a huge grin and you would feel the joy within him. You would have no doubt that it was worth whatever time it took.
Codependent Relationships Takers And Caretakers
(category: Relationships, Word count: 716)
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Takers and caretakers - they often seem to find each other! As a counselor who has worked with relationships for 37 years, I can tell you that this is the most frequent relationship dynamic that I encounter.
Takers are people who tend to be narcissistic - that is, they are self-centered with an excessive need for attention and admiration. The taker attempts to control getting love, attention, approval or sex from others with anger, blame, violence, criticism, irritation, righteousness, neediness, invasive touch, invasive energy, incessant talking and/or emotional drama. The taker uses many forms of both overt and covert control to get the attention he or she wants.
Takers not only want a lot of control, but are often afraid of being controlled and become overtly or covertly resistant to doing what someone else wants them to do. The taker might resist with denial, defending, procrastination, rebellion, irresponsibility, indifference, withdrawal, deadness, numbness, rigidity, and/or incompetence.
In a relationship, takers operate from the belief that "You are responsible for my feelings of pain and joy. It is your job to make sure that I am okay."
Caretakers, on the other hand, operate from the belief that "I am responsible for your feelings. When I do it right, you will be happy and then I will receive the approval I need." Caretakers sacrifice their own needs and wants to take care of the needs and wants of others, even when others are capable of doing it themselves. Caretakers give to others from fear rather than love - they give to get.
Neither takers nor caretakers take responsibility for their own feelings and wellbeing. Takers generally attempt to have control over others' giving them the attention and admiration they want in overt ways, while caretakers attempt to have control over getting approval in more covert ways, such as compliance, doing to much for others, and/or withholding their wants and opinions.
Because neither takers nor caretakers are taking care of themselves, they will each end up feeling angry, resentful, trapped, unappreciated, unseen, unloved, misunderstood, and/or unacknowledged.
I tell my clients that whenever they feel this way in a relationship, it is because they are expecting the other person to give them what they are not giving to themselves. When we are not seeing, valuing, acknowledging, or understanding ourselves, and when we are not attending to our own wants and needs, we will always feel upset when others treat us just like we are treating ourselves.
Codependent relationships - relationships of two takers, two caretakers, or a taker and a caretaker - will always run into problems. Many people leave these relationships, only to discover the same problems in their next relationships. Takers and caretakers can switch places in different relationships and over different issues, but the problems remain the same - anger, resentment, distance, lack of sexuality, boredom, feeling unloved and unloving.
There really is a way to heal this.
Relationships heal when individuals heal. When each partner does their inner work - for example practicing the Inner Bonding process that we teach (see www.innerbonding.com for a free course) - their relationship system heals. When each person learns to take full personal responsibility for his or her own feelings of pain and joy, they stop pulling on each other and blaming each other. When each person learns to fill themselves with love and share that love with each other, instead of always trying to get love, the relationship heals.
Learning how to take100% responsibility for your own feelings is one of the essential ingredients in creating a healthy relationship. This means learning to be conscious of what you are feeling and being open to learning about what you are doing to create your own feelings, instead of being a victim and believing that others are causing your feelings. Your feelings come from how you treat yourself and others, from what you tell yourself and what you believe about yourself and others, rather than from others behavior. Blaming others for your feelings will always lead to major relationship problems.
Why not start today by taking your eyes off your partner and putting them squarely on yourself? In reality, you are the only one you actually have control over. You are the only one you can change.
Why Do People Lie
(category: Relationships, Word count: 734)
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Amanda and Ron had been married for six years and had two small children. I had counseled them during some difficult times in their marriage, but had not heard from them for a while. Then Amanda scheduled an emergency phone session with me. She was very upset.
"I just found out that Ron's been watching porno on the Internet and lying to me about it. I had thought this was going on a couple of weeks ago because of a site I found on the computer, but when I asked him about it, he denied it and explained it away. He is not too computer savvy - he doesn't know how to delete the sites - and today I found a number of sites he has visited. I can't believe this! I'm very upset about the porno, but I'm devastated that he lied to me! I feel like the trust has gone out of our marriage, and without trust, what do we have? Why did he lie to me?"
"Amanda, how would you have responded if he had told you the truth?"
"I would have been really upset and disappointed in him. I probably would have gotten angry. We have a good sex life, so why is he using porno?"
"Well, he lied to you because he knew that this is the way you would have reacted. His lying is his way of controlling your reactions, and your anger is your way of controlling his behavior. As long as you get angry when you hear the truth, the chances are he will lie to you. As your children get older, they, too, will lie to you to avoid your anger and judgment. It takes a very strong person to tell the truth and deal with another's anger and judgment, and Ron is not that strong. He is very afraid of your anger and judgment and will do anything to avoid it, including lying."
"Are you saying it's okay for him to lie to me?"
"No, I'm not saying it's okay or not okay. I'm not making a value judgment about it. You asked why he's lying and I'm telling you why. Lying is just another form of protection against pain, just as your anger is a form of protection against pain."
"So what do I do? How do I deal with this?"
"Amanda, you need to shift your intention from trying to control him to being open to learning about what is behind his behavior. From his point of view, there are some important reasons why he is using porno, and why he is lying about it. Trying to control him will only result in more lying and resistance, but wanting to learn can result in understanding and resolution. You need to approach him with caring and a desire to learn rather than with anger and judgment - about both the porno and the lying. You would need to say something like, 'Ron, I know that you have been going to porno sites on the Internet. Please don't lie about it anymore. I know there must be some good reasons you are doing this and I really want to understand what it's about for you.' However, you have to be aware that the words themselves are less important than the intent behind them. If you say these same words with anger and judgment, he will be defensive. Don't ask until you feel genuinely open and caring."
Lying is always a form of control. Some people are pathological liars, having learned that they get a rush from manipulating others with lies. But most people lie when they are afraid of the consequences of telling the truth. Lying may be one end of a relationship system, with anger and judgment on the other end. Whether the relationship is a primary one between mates or between parents and children, or a relationship between friends or between co-workers, lying may be a part of it when fear of anger and judgment is an issue. Most people do not know how to handle another's anger and judgment and may revert to being the child they were when they learned to lie to their parents to avoid punishment.
If you want to trust that people are not going to lie to you, then you need to shift your intention in your relationships from controlling to learning.
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